Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Big Condom Trouble

Brooklyn Resident and "Artsy NYC College" Staffer Elle, who is one of my favorite people, has a horror story to tell about buying condoms in New York:
Today I needed to buy non-lubricated Magnum condoms for the show I am working on (You put wireless headset transmitters in them and they prevent the units from being soaked in sweat, thus preserving the life of the unit...totally dorky).

So I go on my hunt through NYC - where you supposedly can find everything...so countless drugstores/pharmacies later, I cannot find any Magnum condoms that are not lubricated NOR can I find non lubed condoms of any brand.

I finally go to Kmart...where I find nonlubricated condoms, though not Magnum. I figure, what the hell, better get them in case they work.

But they are locked. Behind a scary glass cabinet.

So I find the nearest employee and tell him which I want, and he gets them for me. I reach for them, but WAIT! I can't carry them to the counter...he has to carry them to checkout for me.

Ridiculous...It's easier to buy cigarettes...grow up NYC

Wow... what's that about? Buying condoms is scary enough when you're inexperienced. Even I would probably give up if presented with that many obstacles. Then again, I know from this summer that men get a certain thrill out of specifically requesting Magnum condoms. Maybe having to ask multiple times at multiple stores would enhance the experience.

While we're on the subject of Magnums, though: Until this summer I never believed they were actually necessary. After all, I've stretched a regular old lifestyles condom over my entire forearm up to the elbow. I haven't seen all that many penises, but given the size of those who claimed to be well-endowed... let's just say a penis too big for a regular condom seemed like a "stretch" (HAH! Awful pun totally intended). But one afternoon at Ye Olde Sexe Shoppe, my adorable co-worker was complaining to me about how painful it was to use regular condoms.

"It hurts!" He said. "Seriously, the base is really constricting. This one time it snapped right in the middle, like a rubber band!"
I rolled my eyes. "Sure, buddy, that's what they all say. You must have some massive junk hidden away down there."
He smiled modestly and shrugged. I laughed a little incredulously. "What are we talking about, here? Bandit? Large Realistic?"
"Um... well..." And off he went to the other side of the store. He returned with a dildo we called Max. Max was a Vixskin product -- to the best of my knowledge he was a sort of prototype of Maverick or Outlaw. But Max was... huge. We're talking something like 12 inches in length, with a circumference of about 7 inches. When people would point to one of the large dildos and boast about a past lover, we would reach for Max and ask, "But have you ever had anyone this big?" It almost always shut them up.

So there I am, holding Max and wondering if my coworker would swing my way if I got him drunk enough. He tossed a condom at me from the display, and I tore it open (without checking the expiration date, but don't tell anyone), squeezed the tip and began to roll it over Max's head. And you know what? It didn't fit. It took me a solid two minutes to get a condom on that cock, and it was a struggle the whole way.

So I had to concede to my coworker. Apparently not all men are just trying to boost their own egos when they buy Magnums! Although I've got to tell you, that one ex of mine who used them? Yeah... he didn't need 'em.


YKK said...

Yeah, condoms come in different sizes for the same reason anything comes in different sizes. Ever seen a morbidly obese person wearing a one-size-fits-all spandex bottom before?

Alexis said...

i still think its great having womens condoms :)