Sunday, February 25, 2007

The Deep Desired, Long Awaited Spring

Hello and welcome to my inaugural usage of peek-a-boo expandable posts, brought to you by Hackosphere! I've decided to put some of the more NSFW posts, as well as the personal stuff which people who actually know me don't necessarily want to read, "below the fold". Just click the link below to expand the post and read on!

Ah, springtime. It’s my favorite season, even though it only lasts about three days where I’m from. There’s the smell of regrowth in the air, and people actually look at each other instead of the ground when passing on the street. You might think it’s a little early to start talking about spring – after all, it’s still February – but I know it’s nearly spring when I dream about a certain ex, and last night I did.

I’m not sure why he’s so closely associated with spring in my mind. I’ve analyzed it to death – it’s because my attraction to him is chemical, and spring triggers my desire to “mate”; it’s because spring is about new growth, and he was always pushing my boundaries; it’s because that’s when a certain storyline developed on a certain show (I was always a P/J-er, not a D/J-er), and that storyline reminded me of us. But today I realized that it may simply be because my very first moment of attraction to him happened on a beautiful early June day, almost 8 years ago. We were between final exams, sitting with classmates on the back hill outside our high school. I don’t know what he said or did, but I remember thinking how strange it was to find myself so attracted to someone so quickly.

It was something like four years (or five? Maybe five.) before we actually finally dated, and in the years that intervened I found my mind (and yeah, my hormones) drifting back to him each spring. It would begin with a sex dream, and then, completely regardless of the state of my love life at the time, I would find myself preoccupied with thoughts of him, talking to him more often, and wondering to myself if he was always going to be the one that got away.

He wasn’t, as it turned out. Eventually we dated. It was nice, although the timing was bad. I was crazy, and he was emotionally unavailable, and I was left feeling unsatisfied and sad, but ready to move on. Still, in the years since then, the beginning of every spring has been marked by dreams of him.

Last night’s dream was different, though, because for the first time it wasn’t sexual. We were at a dinner party, and he was there with his current significant other. She was charming and he was himself, wrong about politics and planning to take over the world. At the end of the evening we hugged and said goodbye. I woke up happier than I have all week, and very much excited that spring is almost here.

10 points, by the way, to anyone who understands the reference in the post title. Another 10 to anyone who knows the connection between myself and the reference!


Tanya said...

Anne Morrow Lindbergh. But not sure on the

Amanda said...

Well done! 10 points for you. By the way, I think you left your insomnia here accidentally. Miss you!

Sarah said...

What is P/J ing and D/J ing?

Amanda said...

Sarah, it's a reference to a certain TV show which I'm reluctant to publicly admit having been addicted to.

And when I say "having been addicted to," what I mean is "I left those dvds in the Berkshires when I moved and it's killing me."

Sarah said...

Ah HA! Now I know your dirty, dirty tv show love! Mwah ha ha ha ha!
ps. I, too, was always rooting for p/j. He's so fucking sexy.