no wonder I hate the long distance thing...

I feel loved when...

The Five Love Languages

My Primary Love Languages are probably Physical Touch and Quality Time

My Detailed Results:
Physical Touch:	9
Quality Time:	9
Words of Affirmation:	8
Receiving Gifts:	2
Acts of Service:	2

About this quiz

Unhappiness in relationships is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. It can be helpful to know what language you speak and what language those around you speak.

Take the Quiz!
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If it were up to me... I'd take away the porn?

Hello, my name is Amanda, and I'm an erototoxin addict.

Apparently Dr. Judith Reisman (whose doctorate, by the way, is in communications) believes that the Virginia Tech murders were sparked off in part by the killer's erototoxin addiction.

Erototoxins... is that some kind of new drug? Or maybe it's some kind of chemical being washed into rivers and lakes, and humans get infected by eating too much fish? Damn those chemical companies!

Oh wait, now I remember: erototoxins are a certain kind of endorphin, produced in the brain in response to our "society drenched in sadosexual arousal as entertainment" and, um, porn. Oh, and they have no base in biological reality. According to Dr. Reisman, "erototoxins" "have a toxic effect on everyone and we all know that... We don't need billion-dollar studies to know that." That's right, folks: Dr. Reisman would have us believe that all that smut we've been exposing ourselves to is poisoning our brains.

Luckily we've been informed before our addictions had a chance to go too far. For Seung-Hui Cho, the perpetrator of the Virginia Tech murders, the poison had already done it's job.

In an April 23rd editorial on World Net Daily, Reisman offers a list of contributing factors leading to the killer's actions, including the line about sadosexual arousal as entertainment and creating a mental image of him sitting "at the Internet every night, angrily lusting after naked young blondes who provoke his loins". Her analysis gives lengthy attention to his sexually explicit (and often disturbing) writing and the story that he took upskirt shots of classmates. In an interview with XFANZ, she asserts that "It's a distinct component in predators — frustrated that he can't get the girls he wants to get — and that builds up to a volcanic eruption."

What Reisman doesn't mention -- and this comes as no surprise -- is that all the porn in the world can't kill 33 people in ten minutes. It was a pair of guns that did that. To even insinuate that the cause of Cho's destructive rampage was an addiction to pornography is an insult to the victims of this complex tragedy. It disregards all of the other factors that allowed the killings to happen -- the medical treatment of people suffering from psychological disorders, the response of the University's administration to previous reports of his problems and problematic interactions with classmates, and above all the ease with which he managed to obtain the guns.

Way back in 1997 ('99? somewhere around there), Cheryl Wheeler recorded a song called "if it were up to me." I loved it in high school, but I had forgotten all about it until iTunes played it on random the other night. How incredibly timely. I'm guessing it's not the porn, judging by the number of people who use pornography and lead perfectly normal, healthy lives, but you know what? Even if porn did play some roll here, maybe there are other things we should look to first.

Lyrics reprinted below.
See also Alex Koppleman "Why Democrats Dumped Gun Control" (Salon.com)

# Maybe it's the movies, maybe it's the books
# Maybe it's the bullets, maybe it's the real crooks
# Maybe it's the drugs, maybe it's the parents
# Maybe it's the colors everybody's wearin
# Maybe it's the President, maybe it's the last one
# Maybe it's the one before that, what he done
# Maybe it's the high schools, maybe it's the teachers
# Maybe it's the tattooed children in the bleachers
# Maybe it's the Bible, maybe it's the lack
# Maybe it's the music, maybe it's the crack
# Maybe it's the hairdos, maybe it's the TV
# Maybe it's the cigarettes, maybe it's the family
# Maybe it's the fast food, maybe it's the news
# Maybe it's divorce, maybe it's abuse
# Maybe it's the lawyers, maybe it's the prisons
# Maybe it's the Senators, maybe it's the system
# Maybe it's the fathers, maybe it's the sons
# Maybe it's the sisters, maybe it's the moms
# Maybe it's the radio, maybe it's road rage
# Maybe El Nino, or UV rays
# Maybe it's the army, maybe it's the liquor
# Maybe it's the papers, maybe the militia
# Maybe it's the athletes, maybe it's the ads
# Maybe it's the sports fans, maybe it's a fad
# Maybe it's the magazines, maybe it's the internet
# Maybe it's the lottery, maybe it's the immigrants
# Maybe it's taxes, big business
# Maybe it's the KKK and the skinheads
# Maybe it's the communists, maybe it's the Catholics
# Maybe it's the hippies, maybe it's the addicts
# Maybe it's the art, maybe it's the sex
# Maybe it's the homeless, maybe it's the banks
# Maybe it's the clearcut, maybe it's the ozone
# Maybe it's the chemicals, maybe it's the car phones
# Maybe it's the fertilizer, maybe it's the nose rings
# Maybe it's the end, but I know one thing.
# If it were up to me, I'd take away the guns.

Planned Parenthood's Wall of Protest

Oh, the age of user generated content. Planned Parenthood has created an interactive Wall of Protest, where users can post photos, videos, and comments about the Supreme Court's decision to uphold the Partial Birth Abortion Ban Act. I added my two cents. I wouldn't say it's an effective tool for change, but it created quite an impression to see all of those little thumbnails and know they're all people who are as outraged and frightened as me. Here are a few choice quotes:

Dear Supreme Court, By legally mandating my pain, suffering, injury, and endangerment in the face of a safer medical alternative, you are devaluing my humanity in the worst and most institutional way. Your brutality against women and your disrespect for valid Supreme Court jurisprudence will leave blood, shame, and torture on your hands until the end of time.

I don't tell you what to do with your penis, don't tell me what to do with my vagina.

(with a photo of a baby) Beautiful Sophia. A beautiful CHOICE in my life. Please keep abortions safe and legal.

(from a fella) Reactionary fundamentalism has no place making such laws. The hubris of this abortion ban strikes at the heart of Woman, Human, and American rights.

18th century gay rights text discovered

This news story totally does it for both the history nerd and the sex nerd in me:

The 18th Century writings of Thomas Cannon, believed to be one of the first gay activists, have been found by a University of Manchester academic.

According to that BBC article, the text said "Unnatural desire is a contradiction in terms; downright nonsense." I'm pretty sure this judge would agree with him wholeheartedly. I myself don't think I'd go quite that far, but I'm pretty sure his heart was in the right place. Interesting stuff!

PS: Dear BBC, when did 1749 become "ancient"?

So, things have been a little crazy...

I worked a two-week stint of ten-hour days -- and as soon as that was over, I had a convenient couple of days of to move into (drumroll, please...) my new apartment! The last several days have been a flurry of moving and shopping for accouterments (like an absolutely beautiful set of dishes that I decided to splurge on a little, since hey, I'm going to be eating off of them for a while) and opening a bank account here (since at this point it's pretty clear I'll be here a while) and getting internet installed and having online Ikea dates with the Beau to pick out our furniture and... it's been a little overwhelming, but also very gratifying.

Meanwhile, I've missed out on commenting on all kinds of things -- especially the Supreme Court's unfortunate decision to uphold the Partial Birth Abortion Act as constitutional, and North Dakota's trigger law (which will make abortion illegal in the state immediately upon a reversal of Roe v. Wade, heaven forbid). At this point, pretty much anything I would have said has been said. It's all fucking terrifying.

In much better news: Massachusetts has joined the list of states which will decline federal money for abstinence-only programming! Way to go, Deval. We knew you could do it.

Over at Eden Fantasys, my review of the Swinging Pendulum has gone up, as well as an article I wrote for them about Phthalates and sex toys -- check it out!

So: my apologies for the dearth of posts, readers dear. Things ought to get back to normal around here now -- I hope -- for a few weeks at least!

(also: HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my favorite veggie connoisseur!)

The American Family Association wants your opinion!

The American Family Association (ugh, just the name makes me shudder. It's so disgustingly biased.) want to know what you think of corporations supporting "the Homosexual Agenda." They've got a combination poll/petition up on their website, which poses the following:

Several corporations are now supporting the homosexual agenda. These companies have been convinced by homosexual activists and the mainstream media that in order to be “fair and tolerant,” companies must make special rules for homosexuals and provide company money and resources to help promote their lifestyle. Many companies, at the urging of these groups, have also begun to support same-sex marriage.

The poll then asks you if you would be more or less likely to support a company who supported the homosexual agenda, or if it wouldn't make a difference. Filling out the petition signs you onto their email list, but you can unsubscribe (after you confirm your vote) by sending a blank email to leave-afapetition@lists.afa.net.

Those nice people at AFA want to know what we think -- I think we ought to tell them!

Click here to answer the poll.

Things Fall Apart

So, apparently the world is falling apart. Nothing new, I guess. Like most people, I'm angry and sad and horrified and scared and sad, sad, sad. I want to take a moment and acknowledge a few things that have happened in the past week. I've started thinking of them in my head as "reasons to become a hermit," although I don't actually believe that's the answer.

I spent all of Monday glued to the radio, terrified to leave, unable to turn it off despite the fact that my heart was alternately in my throat and my stomach. There are no words to express... but for what it's worth, my thoughts are with the students, staff, and faculty at VA Tech, and with the families and friends of the victims.

My heart also goes out to the 23 year old Columbia grad student who was raped, tortured, and left for dead on a burning futon -- and still found the will to escape.

And to the friends and family of Peace Corps volunteer Julia Campbell, whose body was found in the Philippines more than a week after she disappeared while on a hike.

And to the loved ones of the more than 180 people killed in the series of bombings in Baghdad the past two days.

If there was ever a time to call the people you love, I think this is it.

Spanking Dilemma Solved!

Isn't it beautiful? Coco de Mer, the company that makes it, uses fair-trade and renewable resources, and they make truly beautiful, classy looking products. The product description:

A classic wooden paddle, handcrafted by a passionate English spanker. This paddle is ethically made by a fair trade project in India and the wood from a substainable source. So spank away for a better world!

Good stuff, right? Their leather cuffs are beautiful as well, and totally belong on my kinky wishlist.

Abstinence-only programs don't work? Shock!

Bloglandia is abuzz this weekend with the news that a federally funded study of “abstinence only” sex education programs found that they are not effective in reducing sexual activity or increasing age at first sexual activity amongst young people. The study, by Mathematica Policy Research Inc., followed participants from four abstinence-only programs as well as young people from the same communities who were not receiving structured sex education. It is by far the largest study that has been done on the topic, looking at more than two thousand students in cities and in rural communities and conducting long-term follow up research. The four programs studied were chosen because they were supposed to be the “all-star” programs. The federal government spends $176 million funding abstinence-only sex education programs annually (and approximately, oh, PRACTICALLY NOTHING on comprehensive sexuality education). Put it all together into once sentence and this is what you get:

A federally funded study has demonstrated that the government is spending $176 million annually on abstinence education programs that are ineffective while refusing to seriously fund other, potentially more effective comprehensive programs.

This is big news, right? And yet, somehow, it got buried. It was released late on a Friday. There was hardly a word about it on NPR, and major media outlets like the New York Times and CNN have only posted the AP story (the Washington Post does have a staff-written story up, and it’s good). The Bush administration immediately went into spin-control mode, as evidenced by a soundbite from Harry Wilson, a top official at the Administration for Children and Families: "This study isn't rigorous enough to show whether or not [abstinence-only] education works." Clearly this administration wouldn’t recognize rigorous research if it bit them on the ass – I’m suddenly reminded of the rigorous research (read: forged letter) that served as evidence enough for us to start a war in Iraq.

The Medical Institute for Sexual Health, a pro-abstinence organization, released a statement about the report in which they claim that the “small and unrepresentative study sample” (of the programs, that is, not the participants) and “methodological issues” mean that “the study findings provide an insufficient basis for policy decisions.” Clearly, no evidence will ever be enough for these people. They would much rather look to the results from tiny, poorly conducted studies that make their programs look good.

Meanwhile, the researcher at Mathematica who was in charge of the study is quick to point out that the students receiving abstinence-only sex education were no less likely than their peers to use protection when they began having sex. According to the AP article,

“Trenholm said his second point of emphasis was important because some critics of abstinence programs have contended that they lead to less frequent use of condoms.”

In actuality, I think it’s fair to point out, most critics of abstinence-only programs contend that they lead to less frequent use of condoms compared to comprehensive sex education. From what I can tell, this study didn’t examine where or how the control group students were getting their sexual information. No one expects young people to just spontaneously use condoms – that’s why we have a responsibility to educate them about risks and options and consequences with all of the information in our arsenal.

Like I was saying, though: this is big news, despite the fact that it isn’t getting the attention it deserves. The major funding program for abstinence programs is going to expire in June, at which point Congress will have to consider whether or not to renew it. This study gives proponents of comprehensive sexuality education all the evidence they need to get some changes made. Big things are on the horizon, kids. Us sex educator types might actually be able to get jobs some time in the next 5 years!

speaking of sex educators: photo by the brilliant and beautiful G. Reichert !

He's On Top (just where I like him)

People who know me personally know that I have a pretty big friendcrush on Rachel Kramer Bussel, so when I got the chance to participate in her Kinky Virtual Book Tour (For He's On Top and She's On Top, two kinky anthologies she edited) I jumped at the opportunity. Then again, I'm always eager to please! Which brings be back to the subject at hand...

Sometimes I wonder, when “vanilla” people dream of good sex, what do they dream about?

The obvious answer is that -- well, there isn’t an obvious answer. There are endless permutations of “good sex”, dependent entirely on the people involved and their own kinks, fantasies, and sexual history. If you love being ball-gagged, for example, but the idea of gagging you is a turn-off for your partner, it’s not likely to make for hot sex even if you do manage to talk him into it. I had a woman approach me in the store this summer while her husband stood nervously near the entrance. “Do you have anything that will make me want to have sex?” she asked in a barely audible whisper. I tried to suggest clitoral stimulating gel, but then she explained the real problem: she wanted to be roughed up, and her husband was only interested in slow, sweet, romantic sex. We talked for a bit longer, but I wasn’t able to suggest anything that sounded really viable to her. As she left, I thought dear god, please don’t ever let me end up in that situation!

Kinky or vanilla or anywhere in between, though, trust and vulnerability pervade the good sex fantasies of a great many people. Whether you want to be having slow, passionate, stare-deeply-into-my-eyes-and-tell-me-you-love-me sex, or hard, fast, please-Sir-fuck-me-harder sex, many find that the best sex forces you to bare more than just your naughty bits. The occasional fling with someone you barely know can be really freaking hot, but it doesn’t compare to the cerebral sex that happens between people who trust each other utterly.

Trust becomes especially important when you’re a bottom, when having sex sometimes literally means putting your life in your partner’s hands. When you’re bound, your faith in that other person must go well beyond knowing they’ll hear and listen to your safeword. A good top tries to know at all times what it going on for the bottom. In turn, a Dom must trust his sub to be honest and straightforward about what’s going on for her – and if she doesn’t trust him, she won’t be. That exchange is the kind of sexy that takes your breath away.

That’s what I liked best about He’s On Top. The women in this collection are tied up and held down, spanked and teased and humiliated, all for their own pleasure and by men who, invariably, adore them. There’s no doubt that these stories will get any lover of female submission hot and bothered, but what’s surprising is that this is a book of love stories. Hot sex is shot through with trust and vulnerability, worshipful subs and the men who have agreed to protect them and guide them to the farthest reaches of their boundaries.

The narrator of Lisabet Sarai’s story Incurable Romantic, for example, is clearly smitten with his “perfect slave.” The story leads him through his love for her, his lust for other women, and his knowledge that, whatever else goes on in his life, Ilsa trusts him to be the kind of Dom she needs. He, in turn, must be willing to continually cultivate that trust.

In Yes by Donna George Storey, it’s the she who pushes his boundaries at first. She knows what she wants and asks for it shyly, and it unleashes in him a desire to push her further, as far as she thinks she can go, and then even a little bit beyond that. The story ends with some of the best writing I’ve ever seen in an erotic story, including this little snippet:

“Your chest swells with the possibility of it, because you can do anything together. You can push her over the edge and catch her at the bottom, soft and safe in your arms. You can watch her dance and be inside her all at the same time, because you are the music she’s dancing to now, faster and faster.”

The book arrived, conveniently, on day two of my Beau’s 10 day visit. We read a couple of the stories together, and they got his stamp of approval as well, although that may have had something to do with the fact that I started trying to get into his pants before the first story was even halfway over. But isn’t that what good erotica is for?

This is definitely good erotica, full of steamy stories which emphasize what SM relationships are really about: trust and vulnerability, admiration, a sense of responsibility, and the desire to give and receive, take and be taken. Now if you'll pardon me, I have some more reading to catch up on.



What's next on the Kinky Virtual Book Tour? Click here to find out!

Sex Nerds Do It Better

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"I was on my way to work!"

I don't own a black lace bra. I'm pretty sure this is some kind of sex-blogger crime. When I told my (underwear loving) roommate that I was looking for one, she said "you mean you don't have one?" as though the sky was falling down around her.

So yes, I'm looking for the perfect black lace bra. Preferably with matching panties. I want it for a lot of reasons: to go with my black garter belt, to show off to my beau, to take naughty pictures in. Mostly, though, I want it because I deserve it, and because I haven't splurged on really lovely undergarments in a very long time.

I've scoured the internets and come up with a few contenders. Let me tell you, it's been hard work looking at all those nipplesbras. Whew.

So, blogosphere, have any personal favorites? I'm looking for something with lace cups, not padded (I'm happy with what I've got, thanks) but with underwire, more lace than mesh, but definitely something that shows a little nipple -- because what's a lace bra without some nipple?

Bonus points to anyone who gets the reference in the title of this post. More bonus points to anyone who gets that damn song out of my head.

Spankers and Slappers and Paddles, Oh My!

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Quick Linkage

I'll second this:

I’m not interested in reading about someone else’s fucking. I’m interested in reading about their love, or their power exchange, or their discovery, or their life. A sex session may be the best way to illustrate one of those themes, but if there’s not a theme beyond sex, I’ll buy a Hustler Variations. At least I can read that on the subway.

-Mandy at How About Now

more soon. posts will be eratic for a while as I'm doing nearly 12 days straight of ten hour days!

TAG! You're It!

Preheated, the culinary cutie behind For The Love of Cake and Cock, has tagged me with the Thinking Blogger Award! I'm totally flattered.

Here's what happens now: I pick 5 blogs that make me think and tag them here. Those bloggers then pick their own five, and then those bloggers... you get the idea.

Sassywho, who authors I Never Leave the House Without Incident, posts an extremely entertaining and enlightening mix of political commentary and personal anecdotes with a sprinkling of well-chosen clips from youtube. Sometimes I think "sassy" might be an understatement!

A's Pursut of Pleasure is a college student's tales of love and lust. Smut for the thinking man, and very good stuff.

Amber, of Being Amber Rhea, is as tech savvy as she is poltically savvy. She's the kind of person who's writing makes you want to be her friend. She must've been tagged before, but since it's not on her very first page I'm tagging her anyway (so there!).

Veggie Love! This girl seriously loves her veggies, and her posts are incredibly engaging -- which is even more remarkable when you know how quickly she writes them!

Jessica Gold Haralson seems to have gotten caught up in the demands of being a full-time college student -- her posts have slowed down a lot recently. Nonetheless, she's a smart writer with a lot to say about sexual culture and politics (not that that stuff interests you, readers dear).

That ought to be enough linkage to keep you procrastinating for a while, eh?

Warning: This Post Is Not About Sex.

And it's kinda sad.

One of my dogs had to be put down this morning. Blazer was twelve and a half, which is old in Siberian Husky Years. I hadn't seen him since January, when I gave him a goodbye snuggle and admonished him not to die before I saw him again. A week or two ago my mother let me know that things weren't looking good -- his eyesight was going, he whined all the time and slept very little, and he'd gotten too weak to walk up the stairs to go to bed at night (which led me to imagine my father carrying a 60lb Sibe up the stairs, and it's a pretty funny image, especially because I'm sure Blaze would have fought it the whole time).

I found out when I called this morning to leave a message for my parents, both of whom I knew would be at work, and my 17 year old sister answered. I was, of course, walking down the street on my way to a coffee shop to write for a while when she told me. I stood still on the sidewalk, trying to keep it together, and managed until I tried to say goodbye. I hung up, cried, was embarrassed to be crying in public and over a dog (when so many people wouldn't understand), pulled it together, called Beau and started crying all over again when I heard his voice on his voicemail message.

Blazer was the Alpha Male, although he started to lose that position in the group towards the end. Koda will take over now, I'm sure -- he's one of the smartest dogs I've ever known. I asked my sister how Hoover was handling it -- Hoover is a little slow(to say the least), and he really loved and relied on Blazer. Ab said she was pretty sure Hoover didn't get it; he stood there wagging his tail at Blazer's body as if to say "come on, get up, come play!" Tucker, on the other hand, apparently got it right away -- the first thing he did was find and sniff the injection site. When they took the rest of the dogs back into the house, Hoover tried to slip his collar to go back out and be with Blazer.

Needless to say, I'm finding it a little hard to write about sex right now. This is the problem with being a Big Girl and moving away from home; animals, and eventually people, will die, and I won't be there when it happens.

Blaze is the one in the photo who's trying to jump out of my dad's Lemans. He's furious that my mother put a pink scarf on him for the christmas photo.

The Youth Sex Crisis

This is a quick taste of a longer, more analytical post to come.

I'd like to bring two news stories to your attention.

First, in New Hampshire, parents are protesting an edition of the high school newspaper whose organizing theme was "Sex". The content, which the editor said had "been edited and re-edited for content and delivery, keeping in mind that the job here is to inform, not shock," contained an article about lesbianism and a quiz with a question about (GASP!) anal sex. In the AP article, one parent comments that "I thought it was a vile, disgusting piece of pornography I wouldn't want to be in front of children, let alone paid for by taxpayers."

Meanwhile, four 5th graders in Louisiana have been arrested on charges of obscenity for having sex in an unattended classroom. A fifth student has been arrested and charged with being an accessory after the fact. The students were 11, 12, and 13 years old. This comes on the heels of an incident in Indiana where two 6th graders had sex in class with a teacher present -- a case which the school tried to hush up.

Setting aside for the moment how completely and utterly ridiculous it is to arrest 12 year olds for having sex, maybe we should use these two news stories as a reminder of something we seem to forget as a culture: young people are curious about sex. They have been forever. It's normal. Maybe if we tried talking to them about it instead of making it a taboo, adults-only topic we could make their exploration a little safer, healthier, less public, and maybe even a little less hands-on.